after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
