A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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