have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
