You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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