So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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