i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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