Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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