I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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