I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
