I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
