Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
