Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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