I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
