The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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