Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
