I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
