The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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