Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize