maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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