He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Are these your boobs on my camera?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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