where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
