my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
