Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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