Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
