Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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