Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
