Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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