I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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