She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
