I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You made out with two different species that night
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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