They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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