Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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