Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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