Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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