Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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