You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
