So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
