A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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