Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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