he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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