I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
