Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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