The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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