I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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