I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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