If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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