it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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