If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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