I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
