Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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