Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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