Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize