I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
ok first of all what the fuck
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
