Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
