i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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