running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
These tits shall not be calmed
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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