I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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