I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
