I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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