My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize