I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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