We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
